In a move designed to shake up their floundering bullpen, the Jacksonville Dragons demoted reliever Jack Jacques and called up the highly gifted but highly erratic prospect John Longroofan. Jacques has struggled mightily for the Dragons, pitching to an 18.56 ERA over 5 1/3 innings. “I wanted to line them all up against the wall and shoot ’em,” Dragons manager Harlan Davidson said of his relief corps. “But they told me I can’t, so instead I’ll replace ’em one by one until we fix this.”
The 20-year-old Longroofan comes with a long frame (he stands 6’11”) and a longer list of character questions. His amateur and professional career has been dotted with numerous speeding tickets, wild parties, alcohol-fueled incidents, and sexual misconduct allegations. His brief stay in the Boston Red Sox organization ended after he was allegedly caught in flagrante delicto with the manager’s daughter. He is considered a promising if raw talent.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Roofie!” Longroofan tweeted upon receiving word of the call-up. “Jax better watch out, cuz Im gonna be on [expletive] patrol,” he added, including a vulgar reference to the female anatomy. He then tweeted a picture of a sports car with a pair of female legs sticking out the passenger window, with the caption “If the Porsh is rockin dont cum knockin.”
“Jesus Almighty,” said Davidson when informed of Longroofan’s introductory tweetstorm. “Well, if he can get people out, that’s what matters. I don’t have any daughters, so I’m not worried.”